Low Day

By juck, Oct 25 2017 09:23PM

25/10/17 21.42

Today I have PMT and am feeling pretty crappy. Lonely, Worrier and Negative are in the driving seat at the moment; Addict is trying to help in the only way he can. As I sit with my cigarette Lazy is trying to encourage me to just go to sleep and forget about today. I have had a fairly average week, the shifts I am on this week aren’t great as they cut right into the day meaning there isn’t much time to do anything before or after work.

I am trying to live off of the little recent highs. Last Friday I had my photograph taken for Great Central which is an arts magazine; the photographer was quite cute and probably either taken or not interested. It was a good session and despite my feeling exhausted I had managed to do my hair and put my war paint on – my hair is usually an unwashed, un-brushed bun on the top of my head and for the most part I walk around without a stitch of makeup on. The photos were good but I hate my double chin and for some reason to me it looked huge in the pictures.

I had a really good weekend as well. Saturday I went for a lovely walk with a good friend at one of my favourite local places. Foxton Locks are lovely this time of the year; I love the crisp air, the autumnal colours and the absence of the summer crowds. It was quite a windy walk but very lovely. That evening I went to see one of my other best friends; we enjoyed watching a British movie about murder and ate fish and chips – my cheat meal of the week.

Sunday I went exploring for the first time in months; I rarely see my exploring friends and we don’t really keep in touch very much as everyone has busy lives and without meaning to be nasty we don’t have close relationships with one another. It was truly exhausting and showed up my huge lack of fitness. The buildings were vandalised but pretty cool and there was occasional good graffiti which I photographed. We had a laugh as always and met a group of grime artists from London who were making a music video which I found quite funny.

I didn’t really want to go to work on Monday; I think after such a good weekend not many people would feel like it, it is a bit of a shame that it is necessary – I have lived on benefits before and to be truthful it is no fun having to watch every penny, even down to things like the household grocery shop, minding when the heating goes on and trying to be careful not to spend too much on travel.

The other happy thing this week is that my Mollies have had babies; here were five little ones swimming around the tank on Sunday. I am a little worried as when I checked this evening I could not see any of them – they have probably been eaten, it has made me feel a little sad.

Today I made the mistake of looking up local arts jobs; surprisingly there are a fair few around. I should learn to never look because it always comes with disappointment. The good, well paid jobs want a level of skill which I can’t match up to. They require knowledge of financial software and a level of arts admin experience I just don’t have, they are also a fair commute away. For the pay rise I would get with the job I would lose a fair amount on travel itself. The others are part time hours and only short term contracts. I could try and drop some hours at work but I value the financial security I have of being employed full time.

Creative and Hippy fancy a change, they really want me to get into the arts scene and work my way up. Investigator is sceptical and advises against it; he values the consistency of a regular wage and the security of a permanent job. Negative uses this conflict to lower my mood and Worrier is concerned that I am not following my true calling – she simultaneously thinks that if I did get the arts job I always dreamed of that it wouldn’t be that great after all.

This week Lonely has popped up as well. Since the weekend I haven’t had a lot of human contact other than a few short phone calls, text messages and messaging over social media. She misses human contact and would like someone external to just be there to talk to. Lonely has persuaded me to look on my free dating site again although the responses I get to my advert are at best disappointing. At the moment I have a couple of people looking to have a good time messaging me, also someone with Aspergers. Without trying to be nasty I would rather not date someone who has a disability; my reasoning behind this is at times I need a lot of emotional support and I can be quite dependant. I would prefer someone very stable and rational in my life as a positive influence.

Over the last few days the Lonely, Negative, Worrier team have been picking over something a few people have said to me in the past. A relative and a few close friends have commented that I rely on others too much for emotional and practical support. Every now and again this makes me feel bad. One of my coping mechanisms as an extrovert is to reach out to others as the relationships and interactions make me feel better and give me energy. I suppose I am quite a dependant person. I don’t know how to make myself more self contained and more independent. My friendships mean the world to me and I would equally be there for my friends when they want me to be. It’s getting to me again today which is why I am writing rather than calling or messaging anyone.

I am skint until payday this Friday so I am trying to cobble together meals out of the remains in the fridge and cupboards. I really want a big fat pizza and some chicken but know it will need to wait until I have been paid. I am also trying to lose weight at the moment and have managed to drop half a stone in two weeks, I still feel fat though and unhealthy. The plan I am on can get quite tedious and I am slowly getting sick of having the same meals all the time. It is weigh in day on Saturday so I am hoping for another loss although I realise that after dropping half a stone really quickly the rest will be difficult to get rid of. Ideally I want to lose another seven and a half stone, I want my nice figure and tiny boobs back. When I was skinny it was such a wonderful feeling to just pull any old size 10 garment off the shelf and have it fit perfectly. I am not a size 22 and hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate clothes shopping even more as the changing room lights show up every lump, bump and stretch mark.

This weekend I am going to see family; it should be nice but I always get a massive feeling of inadequacy whenever I am around them. They are a lot more successful than me in employment and relationships. On Sunday I am going for a walk with people from work – I am trying to set up a monthly walking group to try and improve fitness levels but have no idea who is going to come if anyone.

On that note I am off to weigh out more bran flakes and honey, I need another fix of sweet stuff and it is lower calorie than a load of chocolate. I am hoping to be able to relax a bit in a few days.

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